my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
taking June’s advice to heart
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.