My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.