MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.