My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Meow
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.