My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You Might Also Like
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me irl
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.