@shegotagronk

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

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@WilliamAder

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@DanielRCarrillo

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

@UnFitz

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

@laurenmacdonald

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

@Tmoney68

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.