@WilliamAder If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
@shegotagronk My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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@WilliamAder 
@SortaBad Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
@Cpin42 When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
@DanielRCarrillo Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
@UnFitz “Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
@secondofhername The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
@DurtMcHurtt All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
@WienerToboggan What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
@laurenmacdonald I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
@Tmoney68 A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.