My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.