My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus