my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Every work call, he judges.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends