My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
the last thing a carrot sees