My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Happy Friday
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.