My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.