My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
You Might Also Like
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!