my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?