my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Admin smashed it 😂
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.