my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.


I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.


When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.


If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.


Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*


How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river


I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.


[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.


Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.