@donni There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
@clichedout my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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@donni 
@BuckyIsotope Important reminders
@Ndeshi_M I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
@Lisa_Laughs_ When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
@TheTweetOfGod If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
@foodfacenow Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
@brunopieroni How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
@WilliamAder I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
@junejuly12 [First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
@RachelNoise Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.