My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Breaking news:
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge