my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The Birdles
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.