My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.