My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses