My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
You Might Also Like
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.