My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”


[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”


Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now


If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.


Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.


“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”



“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”