@SCbchbum

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

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@kimtopher22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@babyIulu

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

@aveuaskew

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@Tharin_P

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

@ilovepie84

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”