My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.