My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
This hospital has everything