My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.