My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Who did it better?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs