My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
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Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.