My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Morning my dudes.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.