My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.


I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.


Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit


*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*


One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.


ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?


Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.


[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*


I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.