@dirtroaddiva1
@nraymz Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You Might Also Like
@nraymz 
@Clanopath I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
@thajawn Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
@PeaceInTruth1 *calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
@13spencer One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
@ArfMeasures ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
@GrowlyGrego Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
@AndyAsAdjective [my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
@thenoahkinsey I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
@MoistPork You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.