My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.


Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.


“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”