@dirtroaddiva1

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

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@nraymz

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

@Clanopath

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

@thajawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@PeaceInTruth1

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@GrowlyGrego

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@thenoahkinsey

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.