TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”