Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.