My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”