My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
found this cool rock hiking today
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Probably my best painting.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.