My guardian angel deserves a raise
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Lmaoo 😂
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone