@UncleDuke1969

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

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@ghtoast

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@IamEnidColeslaw

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@Fred_Delicious

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

@AssOnHat

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub