My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”