My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
hackers play passwordle