My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
shit just got real
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.