*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.