My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.