My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.