My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Canada has crack?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
yall want some gasoline milk