My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The glockness monster
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man