My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
You Might Also Like
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
What the hell is going on?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.