My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed