My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
You Might Also Like
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.