My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Okay me first
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives