[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Story of my life…..
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af