My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
We need to put an American base on the sun
same energy
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?