My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
You Might Also Like
#math
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.