My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.