@fillthevacuum
@JB4Realz [Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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@JB4Realz 
@SkinnerSteven Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
@brycetache Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
@Dil_Tron [bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
@shaun__gunner People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
@nedprice Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
@mommajessiec The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
@NikkiGlaser I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
@EinherjarDO Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
@Elizasoul80 I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.