@fillthevacuum

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

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@JB4Realz

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

@brycetache

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

@Dil_Tron

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

@shaun__gunner

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@nedprice

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

@mommajessiec

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

@NikkiGlaser

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.