My heart hurts when you’re not around


Never mind

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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.


Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.


[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?


People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.


Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.


The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.


I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.


I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.