My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.