My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
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The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
guys I’m going home