My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!