My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
the #horror is real!
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast