My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.