My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You Might Also Like
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
how to exercise your calf muscles
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I feel seen
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?